Sleepless

It’s 6 AM and I haven’t been able to fall asleep for the past three hours… It’s the shittiest feeling, and I try to ignore it by browsing Pinterest, or looking for whatever online, as long as my phone is charged, if not I just sit in bed, tossing and turning, nudging my chronic snorer of a husband to be quiet long enough for me to fall asleep. But sleep never comes… And then I notice that dawn is already breaking, which used to get me so angry I’d start crying! Now I give less of a damn… It’s fucking annoying because I want complete darkness and silence, and dawn doesn’t spell either of those things… Speaking of darkness and silence, maybe you would advise me to turn on the TV and watch something until I feel drowsy, or get on the PC and play whatever just to pass the time, but that’s the last thing I want to do. No lights, no sounds! Maybe if I was alone I’d get up and do one of those things, but I have an incredible sense of selflessness and don’t want to bother anyone who is actually sleeping. Yay for me… While others snooze away peacefully, I just get sullen and boil in my own rage, blaming them and myself. It goes on and on… And yet I don’t get tired. Funny, isn’t it?

At this point, in the not-so-wee hours, I keep thinking I should just fuck it and stay awake for the rest of the day and maybe at the end of it, I’ll be tired enough to get some fucking sleep!

That’s the problem, you see? Ever since I started “working” from home, I don’t get to do much. I should, but my current job is practically inexistent, I even feel bad asking for my paycheck every month. My little shop is more demanding! A whole day of cleaning the house exhausts me, but guess what? No sleep. I haven’t enough will power to exercise on my own to achieve optimal tiredness level, I have no real reasons to just go out, plus it’s pretty much pointless with no money and no one for company.

I’m actually looking for another job where I can get out of the house, do something for 8 hours, and come home, and enjoy my free time. And with the extra pay, maybe even start going to the gym, firstly because I’m getting back aches again and secondly trying to reach that oh so sought after tired level.

You know that saying: “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”? Yeah, totally me right now. When I had a normal job, I kept whining I just want to stay home and play video games. I did that for a few weeks and it was enough. Now I just want to get back to that everyday work routine, just so I can actually enjoy coming home and spending my free time better. When you have less of it, you know how to appreciate it and spend it wisely. I was happier then, partially due to the fact that I had a good night’s rest.

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